Is It Lust or Love?
One of the most profound dangers of the beginning of a relationship is that its powerful passions incite people to make rash sexual decisions out of swept-away giddiness. They have sex and they ask about birth control after the fact only to discover — oops! — there wasn’t any. Or they find out relevant details of each other’s sexual history months later and –oops! there’s a threat of AIDS. Or they stopped just short of intercourse because they believed only intercourse is truly sex and then—oops! reputations are smeared and trust is violated. Or she thought sex meant marriage and he thought sex meant sex. Oops!
We’re not preaching abstinence. That’s not the point. We are suggesting that the heat at the beginning of love can go hand in hand with wisdom when you remember that you’re just at the beginning. There’s so much more. No need to rush into bed, and certainly not without a few serious conversations about the kinds of issues we mention above. Then, while your exuberant sexual desire that longs to make its way to bed has to wait a bit, you are opened to a kind of intimate and romantic discovery you hadn’t expected or imagined.
Yes, there are some couples who have sex on the first date, move in together after a week and get married in a month. Some of them make it and have truly great relationships. But they are rare. Most often, decisions made under the spell of fiery pleasure and passion lead only to heartbreak, and disillusionment with love and marriage.
It Will Never Change
Because of the intensity of the beginning, you may have decided that your lover is your soulmate and your relationship will never change. That’s impossible. Love grows and you have to grow with it. Love is a living energy. You must yield to love, not the other way around.
It’s Effortless
If you believe that love is and should remain effortless, you cut yourself out of the picture and remain a child for whom everything will be provided. Love requires conscious and steady care and attention. If you want love, you must participate.
Playing Games
You can’t play games with love. It will not be trivialized and disrespected. You are given the beginning vision of what is possible to introduce you to what a stable, secure relationship can be and what you have to do to attain it. But because of all the games prompted by the enormous insecurity within and between men and women, for too many couples their love never unfolds.
Pretend You’re Alike
Love can only show up for a real Self. Period. That’s why it’s important to relate to the differences between you—paving the way for the deepest love possible. If you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, you will not only miss out on the kind of love that would be meaningful to you, but you’ll remain alone with your puppet self that no longer has an audience.
Sentimentality
It’s so easy to fall in love with the idea of being in love. We become involved with our images of the other person and our notions of what we believe our relationship should be, rather than the reality of what’s going on. We are caught up inside our own heads and manufacture emotions that are often very intense but have little, if any, connection with the one we say is so wonderful.
When Tom met Rachel, he knew she’d finally found the relationship he was looking for. At least, that’s how he described it when he called in to talk with us when we were on a late-night radio show. He went on to say that he gave Rachel the key to his place on their second date, had a formal photo portrait taken on the first-month anniversary of their meeting, and lavished Rachel with gifts.
Tom was in heaven, until Rachel suddenly announced that she felt hemmed in by his attentions and possessiveness, and broke it off. Tom was shocked and devastated.
Those who are in love with love are trapped in a pattern of failure. Why? Because, like Tom, they are involved solely with themselves.